Merry Jokes

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  • TWO 35 YEAR OLD GUYS
  • Romantic Dinner
  • Real Things Said In Court
  • SEX DEFINED
  • The Burglar
  • Sex after death
  • Drepressed humor
  • THE VICAR LEARNS THE TRUTH
  • Zipper
  • guys and gals
  • I want to get fucked.
  • outer space
  • Confession
  • NICKNAMES
  • A Day at the Vet's Office
  • Preventing disease
  • Johnny and His Dad
  • closet sex
  • Suzy loves Snickers!
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  • 3 couples
  • A Horny Superman
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  • who are the easiest to operate on
  • 3 ladies...
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    [Post your joke]

    2 Guys

    Posted by JollyGoodFun December 19, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    Two guys walk into a men's restroom. A texan and a black man. They walk up to the urinals unzip there flies and start pissin'. The Texan leans over to admire the black man's dick. He tells him, "you have a mighty fine good looking dick there." He also mentions, "i love how you have your girlfriends name tattooed on your dick. The black tells him, "that's not my girlfriend's name." Then what does it say, say's the Texan. The black man replies, "welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!"


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    Ballerina

    Posted by Littledicklittle December 19, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar & asked, "What man will buy a lady a drink?"
    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owley-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter & bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
    She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit & asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar & said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
    The bartender approached the drunk and said. "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
    The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."


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    Confess!

    Posted by joke 41 November 18, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult Priests

    Two boys stood in front of the church before confessing. "Should we tell the Father that we hax sex with girls since the last session?" "Why not, just don't mention any name!" replied the other. After 15 minutes the first walked out of the church, smiling. "What happened?" questioned the other. "Well, the priest asked me to tell me which girl it was, but I resisted." "He asked me several times: "was it Smith's Annie?" "No", I answered. "Or Myer's Roselyne?" "I always answered NO of course, but now I learned a few first class addresses!"


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    Antenna

    Posted by Jolly September 17, 2014
    Link to this postTags:

    Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
    wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


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    The Burglar

    Posted by JollyGoodFun June 17, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Animals

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'


    Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

    'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

    'Moses,' replied the bird.

    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

    'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


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    Riddle

    Posted by Jolly May 31, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    Q: If mothers have mother's day and fathers have father's day, then what do single guy's have?

    A: Palm Sunday


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    A Day at the Vet's Office

    Posted by SamBadger May 17, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Animals

    Three Labrador retrievers - brown, yellow, and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "So why are you here?"

    The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything: the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

    The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

    He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

    The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

    The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

    The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

    The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."


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    FAKE BOOBS

    Posted by GREAT WHITE April 22, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Doctors Women

    A WOMAN GOES TO THE DOCTOR TO SEE ABOUT GETTING BREAST ENHANCEMENT. THE DOCTOR DOESN'T BELIEVE IN ENLARGING BREASTS. HE ASKS THE WOMAN WHY SHE WANTS IT DONE. SHE REPLYS "BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE ME LOOK BETTER AND MAKE ME FEEL MORE CONFIDENT. THE DOCTOR ASKS IF SHE HAD EVER RUBBED TOILET PAPER BETWEEN HER BREASTS. SHE SAYS NO, WHAT WOULD THAT DO? HE SAYS "LOOK AT THE WONDERS IT DID FOR YOUR ASS".


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    Boy Scout

    Posted by Jolly March 21, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    Q. When does a cub scout become a boy scout?
    A: When he eats his first brownie.


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    Romantic Dinner

    Posted by Dances12 March 10, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

    They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

    The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

    The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.

    The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."


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    Confession

    Posted by Dances12 March 10, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Dark

    A man received the following text from his neighbor:
    I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
    have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
    more than you.
    I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that
    it won't happen again.
    The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
    without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
    A few moments later, a second text came in: damn autocorrect. I meant
    "wifi", not "wife". Sorry!


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    Preventing disease

    Posted by Dances12 March 10, 2014
    Link to this postTags:

    PREVENTING DISEASE

    Miss Bea was in her 80's and very much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

    Her pastor came to call on her one beautiful, early Spring afternoon, and she graciously welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

    As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top or it filled with water.

    In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped out! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

    When she returned with the tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.

    "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," as he pointed to the crystal glass bowl.

    "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package on the sidewalk. It said to put it on your organ and to keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter."


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    big holes

    Posted by sailor21 March 10, 2014
    Link to this postTags:

    Q: What do you get when you crossbreed an elephant with a mouse??
    A: Fucking big holes in the skirting boards


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    Elmo

    Posted by JollyGoodFun February 21, 2014
    Link to this postTags:

    Q. What's the last thing tickle me elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
    A. Two test tickles.


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    Doughboy

    Posted by JollyGoodFun February 21, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    Q. What do you see when the pillsbury doughboy bends over?
    A. Doughnuts


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    Zipper

    Posted by Dances12 February 21, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

    Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

    With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

    The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."


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    Sex after death

    Posted by Dances12 February 18, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and... inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
    " Marion... Marion "

    "Is that you, Bob?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times... Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

    "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

    "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.


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    Old Cowboy

    Posted by Dances12 February 18, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Service

    An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave
    and a haircut and he tells the barber
    he can't get all his whiskers off
    because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf
    and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek
    to spread out the skin.
    When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that
    was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
    But he wanted to know what would have happened
    if he had swallowed that little ball.
    The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
    like everyone else does".


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    Drepressed humor

    Posted by Dances12 February 18, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Dark

    A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

    A passing guy stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

    The woman said "Hell no... get away from me... youíre a sicko!"

    The guy turned to leave and muttered

    "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."


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    footluenza

    Posted by sailor21 January 31, 2014
    Link to this postTags: Adult

    this guy goes an d sees a working girl. Hi's in the room and takes his shoos off and the girl sees his horrible Feet, and asks " what happened to your feet?" he says " I had ""footluenza"" and she "influenza" No I had footluenza and takes his pants down, juck what horrible Knees and she asks what happened?? He says "I had Kneemonia" she says Nemonia? No he says Kneemonia and finally takes his undies off and Girl reckons " I see you suffered also form SMALLCOCKS ! !"


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